Love is a Battlefield

(For the record, I am not a fan of the Jordan Sparks pop song that has a similar name to the title of this post.)

It seems like our home these days is one big warzone, between Skyler and me. And by these days, I guess realistically it’s only been the last two or three days, but it FEELS like so much sufferingly longer than that in my head!

The ol’ Terrible Twos are apparently crashing down on us hard right now, and I really hope it doesn’t last as long as she is going to be “two,” because if so, I might just ship her off to her grandma’s until September 11th next year, and at that point we’ll negotiate a new contract if her attitude is not up to my standards. Grandma’s is the only place she wants to be anyways, what with the all out tearful tantrum that takes place when I pick her from there on Monday’s. And though it’s not quite as dramatic, I get a similar display of love when I go to pick her up from daycare each day after work. As soon as she sees me she runs away, whining “No! Noooo! Noooooo!” You would think we beat and tortured her at home or something.

And all the little things, like putting her shoes and coat on in the morning, listening to music in the car, or changing a diaper – she resists me with full force, thrashing and screaming in opposition to whatever it is I need her to do or not do. Even the things that she is trying to do herself, if they don’t go smoothly, or she drops something, or has trouble with any of her coordination efforts or skill, she reacts so impatiently and violently, I wonder where this is coming from?

It is an incredibly trying and irritating way to start and end my day. And to be honest, right now, my work is my haven, which is the opposite of the way things should be. But it’s a place where I’m in control, things usually go well, I’m surrounded by generally sane and capable people, and I have the support I need when conflict arises. The complete opposite of my life with a two-year-old.

I know a few people who are expecting their first little ones over the next few months, and I am so excited for them. And I’m jealous. Those seem like the good ol’ days; the surreal life with a newborn baby that isn’t trying to sabotage your every effort to keep them safe, healthy, and happy. But don’t get any ideas. Jealousy of people with newborns has nothing to do with baby fever. Because adorable little babies eventually become TWO YEAR OLD MONSTERS. And who knows what they turn into after THAT?!?!

(Skyler – if you are reading this someday, do know that I love you dearly and wouldn’t change this life for a second if it meant you weren’t in it. But do know you are severely close to ruining any chance that I’ll help sneak you out of the house when you are sixteen and want to go on that first date but your mean daddy won’t let you out of his site. Be good to your mommy, I can be a great asset to you later if you don’t burn all the bridges by the time you’re THREE.)

Don’t Forget!

Sometimes I get caught up only writing about the significant things in our lives – major milestones, events, deep thoughts – that I forget to document some of the most wonderful things that come and go with Skyler. So here, I’m going to jot them down.

- Since she was sitting in a highchair, Skyler has always wiggled with delight anytime she eats something tasty. She will kick her legs rhythmically during an entire meal of something she enjoys. And if not in her highchair, for instance sharing a piece of chocolate or a cookie with one of us while we’re sitting on the couch, she’ll run around or jump up and down once she gets that tasty bite in her mouth. The way she enjoys good food makes me enjoy good food even more!

- Another food-related memory we like to call “the baby bird.” When she wants what we are eating, she just walks up with her face as close to the food as possible and her mouth wide open, big eyes staring at us. Waiting, patiently, expectantly, for a morsel to make it’s way in her mouth.

-Some kids suck their thumbs are play with the silky tag on a stuffed animal. Skyler plucks Pink Bear’s fur. Between two fingers she absent-mindedly pulls up on his fur, when she’s riding with him in the car, falling asleep, or even just walking by him on the floor, she’ll stop briefly to get a good pluck or two and the be on her way.

- She has been into blankies for awhile now. She found her flannel receiving blankets stacked in a drawer and now they are always out and about everywhere (there’s at least a dozen). She likes to spread them out flat on the floor, or cover up Pink Bear, Bruno, Mom, Dad, dolls, pillows, you name it. But she only likes to cover things up one blankie at a time. If she asks for help and you pile several blankies on at once, she gets upset and yells “One at a time!”

- Ever since she was recovering from her surgery she’s had protein shakes to drink on a regular basis. We all drink whey protein in this household, so the top of our fridge has bags & containers of different brands and flavors depending what’s on sale or if Ronnie’s clients gave him some they didn’t like (score!). Skyler now knows that’s where her “chocolate milk” comes from, and she’s particular on which bag even. Currently there’s a purple bag of protein with a colorful diagram on the back that she thinks looks like a beach ball, and a black bag with green on it. When she wants milk she’ll ask for either the “beach-a-ball one” or “gween one.” I don’t think she really knows the difference in taste, but it’s more which bag she likes the look of better at that time.

I’m sure there are many other little things I should be writing down, but that’s all I can think of at the moment. These are the things I’m going to need to dig down and remember fondly someday when she’s an introverted teenager that doesn’t talk to us!

The Nurturer

Apparently, that is me. “The Nurturer” is the nickname for the ISFJ personality type (Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging), which is my result from taking the Myers-Briggs personality type test.

I’m not usually big on quizzes and tests, especially to describe my personality, but the Myers-Briggs stuff is at least consistent, and the written description of my ISFJ traits pretty accurately sums up a LOT about me. I’ve taken four or five different Myers-Briggs tests and EVERY time I get the exact same result: ISFJ, though borderline on the “F” to where I’m close to being an ISTJ (Thinking instead of Feeling). It’s almost creepy how all these different questions on different tests can yield the same result!

So here is what I like about my ISFJ self:
- “value harmony and cooperation”
- “constantly take in information about people and situations that is personally important to them, and store it away” Ronnie even teases me about my crazy detailed memory!
- “extremely dependable/strong sense of responsibility and duty”
- “great gift-giver”

And what I don’t like about myself:
- “ISFJ’s do not usually express their own feelings, keeping things inside. If they are negative feelings, they may build up inside the ISFJ until they turn into firm judgments against individuals which are difficult to unseed, once set.” Seriously? This is SO ME. How do they know me this well?
- “has a difficult time saying no when asked to do something, and may become over-burdened”
- “intensely dislike conflict”

Interesting stuff. Next up, I’m going to try and get Ronnie to take one of these tests. I’ve tried to guess what he might be, but I am stumped. I can’t even figure out if he’s an introvert or extrovert, which seems like it would be the most obvious. For now, I’m going to write my prediction for him: INTJ (Introvert, Intuition, Thinking, Judging)

Updated: Ronnie took the test and he is an……INTJ!!!!!!! OMG I’m so proud of myself for knowing my husband so well! And he’s a textbook case as well: INTJ: The Scientist.

Our Ride Home From Daycare

Skyler: Skyler wide in car. Skyler bye-bye in car. Skyler bye-bye in car home.
Me: Yep, say “Bye-bye Darlene!”
Skyler: Bye Bye Daryeen! Bye bye Wowen (Owen). Wowen go home. Wowen go home.
Me: What about Owen’s sister Ella?
Skyler: Elya go home. Elya bye bye go home. Benben (Benjamin) go home. Jackon (Jackson) go home. Wywee (Riley) bye bye go home. Wywee go home.
Me: Did Sydney go home?
Skyler: Sinnee gone. Sinnee gone home. Sinnee bye bye home.
(a few moments pass)
Skyler: Mimmix (music) off. Mimmix OFF!!!
Me: You want me to turn the music off?
Skyler: Yaaaah. Mimmix off.
(a few moments of SILENCE as we go by a pasture)
Me: Look over there. Are the horses there?
Skyler: Horsees horsees horsees! Where da horsees? I see horsees. I see horsees. Where?
Me: It’s raining, they must’ve gone inside.
Skyler: Horsees inside. Its waineen. Horsees inside.
(silence till stoplight)
Skyler: I see car. I see car. Ky-ett (quiet?) car.
Me: Quiet car? Huh?
Skyler: Quiet car. Car seepeen.
Me: That car is sleeping?
Skyler: Yaaaah. Car seepeen.
Me: Hmm. Okay.
Skyler: Daddy seepeen. Daddy seepeen.
Me: Daddy was sleeping this morning? Yes, yes he was.
Skyler: Skyler seepeen. Daddy rockee. Daddy turn mimmix on.
Me: Yes, Last night Daddy rocked you with the music on and you fell asleep!
Skyler: Yaaaah.
(pause)
Skyler: I wan Daddy. Daddy hugs. Daddy hugs (I look in the rearview mirror and she’s hugging Pink Bear).
Me: Aw, yes you can give Daddy hugs when we get home.
Skyler: Daddy kisses. Daddy kisses (as she’s kissing Pink Bear on the nose).
Me: Yep! You can give Daddy hugs and kisses when we get home. He’ll be so happy to see you!
Skyler: Back home. Bye bye back home.
Me: We’re almost home!
Skyler: Back home!

Still…

…lagging behind. Haven’t downloaded photos in ages. Haven’t any thoughts worth posting about really. So here are a few random updates:

- Sad news: Super Pierce passed away last Friday. But he is in no more pain now and his family can begin the healing process.

- Worth noting: Swine Flu has made it’s way to our office. A coworker brought her 1 year old (who’s birthday is the same as Skyler’s!) with her to work last Friday and I was in a meeting with them, and then he started getting sick Saturday and she got the test results back today that it is H1N1. I’m pretty sure I didn’t touch him, and the incubation period from time of exposure should be up by now, so hopefully I’m in the clear! But hopefully she can get her little boy better while keeping herself from catching it and hopefully it didn’t spread to anyone else. And so cold/flu season is officially upon us at work.

- Speaking of work, I have my 3rd annual review tomorrow! I can’t believe I’ve been there three years already. And I still love my job!

- Skyler has a “new” word that I think is absolutely adorable. She calls strawberries “strawbeeberries” and she likes saying it and I crack up every time.

1,000 Miles a Minute

It’s hard to believe and explain how quickly Skyler is growing up. Her awareness, interaction, and vocabulary are exploding right now. And her personality…GEEZ her adorable, hilarious, obnoxious, headstrong personality! I see so much of her dad and myself in her unique little ways.

I’ve never seen a child as busy as she is. She builds the blocks up tall and knocks them down, cracking up hysterically when they scatter across the floor on impact, and then she does it again. And again. It cracks her up more and more each time. And lately she insists on my involvement. “Mommy pay bocks! Mommy pay bocks!” And if I don’t immediately stop what I’m doing to sit on the floor and play blocks with her, I am in TROUBLE! Whines, squeals, and a meltdown of disastrous proportions. So I’ve been playing a LOT of blocks lately!

I love her interpretations of language these days. Recently she was pointing at the floor next to her, and adamantly telling me what sounded like “Mommy, bayou! BAYOU!” I’m thinking where the heck does she get this word for the swamps in Louisiana?!?! We visited there while she was in my belly, but this makes no sense! It took me a few episodes of this conversation to realize she was trying to say “Mommy, sit by me! Sit by me!” But she hears me say so often “Want Mommy to come sit BY YOU?” Proper use of pronouns is so overrated!

We were also looking at a book recently, and there was an old looking camera, that she pointed to and said “Mimix!” which is her word for music. She must have thought it looked like the music box in her crib. I said “It’s actually a camera,” and from then on, when she sees that picture in the book, she points and says “Ashlee camma!”

She’s also perfecting her slang. When we ask her a question, she almost always answers with “Ummm…” while she thinks of the real answer. If she doesn’t know the answer she even looks like she’s thinking really hard and answers with “Ummm…?” And she’s moved on from answering “yes” when appropriate. Now she says “Yep!” or “Kay!”

Today at daycare I witnessed a side of her that I wondered if it existed. I was squatted down on the floor while she showed me a toy that she’s been especially infatuated with lately. Riley, who is a sweet little boy around 18 months, walked over next to me and started leaning in to me for what I thought might be a friendly kiss or hug. Skyler looked up and immediately shoved him away from me! He and I both were shocked! I scolded her to be nice, at which point she grabbed Pink Bear, and sternly told Pink Bear to “BE NICE!”

Finally, though I could go on and on about her antics these days, I’ll finish with this lovely note. She and I were playing around in my bed the other night, just the standard peekaboo and goofing around, when she stopped and turned to me rather seriously and out of the blue said “I wan baby brudder.”

!!!!!!!

Technology hiatus

I’ve slowed down on my blogging.
I haven’t checked Facebook much.
I haven’t even thought about Tweeting.
My camera is full of photos to download and edit.

The past few weeks I’ve felt out of touch with the usual technology in my life. I just haven’t been feeling it. Normally every day I want to see what’s going on with Facebook or I have something new to blog about. Or I just want to get online and look something up. But it hasn’t been occurring to me lately to do any of these things, and I don’t even miss it!

I do hope it’s just a phase though. I really do enjoy taking pictures and editing them and sharing them on here and on Facebook. I enjoy writing and the freedom of expression I have here on this blog. Maybe I just need a little break. As the weather gets colder and there’s less to do outside I’ll likely find myself back in here at the computer more often like I used to be!

Waking Up

The passed two nights I’ve been waking nearly every hour throughout the night. I look at the clock dreadfully thinking my alarm is about to sound, only to see with relief that I have several hours left of the night. I pass right back out. And then an hour later, I’m doing it again. By morning, I’m exhausted from not having any deep sleep. Though I’m dreaming – I remember a few vivid dreams (not good ones) so maybe my weird sleep pattern is deeper than I think. It still makes for a long and unrestful night.

It’s also dark longer in the mornings. I’ve never felt myself longing for Daylight Savings to end until now. Waking up before there is even a hint of light through the windows has been so difficult! It feels way too early, so I hit the snooze and then end up rushing around to get Skyler and I out the door in time for work.

My lack of sleep consistency has been taking a toll on my mind at work lately, but moreso has the heartbreaking story of Pierce Phillips, a two-year-old little boy who is quickly losing his battle with cancer. He is the son of my friend’s cousin, and I’ve been following his story for over a year now when he was first diagnosed. It has been a hard-fought battle that seemed almost won, until a couple months ago he took a surprising turn for the worst and treatment became ineffective. His parents made the terrifyingly painful decision to bring him home and spend his last days and weeks in peace with them in their own home.

After being home and making the best of life for the last couple weeks, today we heard from my friend the news that the end was very near, and the family was saying their final goodbyes. My heart has ached and my tears have fallen over and over for this family I don’t even know, as I cannot imagine the experience they are living right now. It’s just not natural for a parent to have to watch their child die.

Tonight I thought about my recent sleep patterns, and then wondered if Pierce’s mother and father have slept at all through this time, and how much they’ve probably feared sleep, afraid they might miss their son’s last laugh, smile, or soft touch of his hand. And then I prayed for peace and rest for all of them, as soon as possible. But then I realized how dreaded his parents first sleep will be once he is finally at peace. Their bodies may welcome the rest, but waking up each time after that day is come is going to be so, so HARD. There is that moment you wake up from a deep sleep or crazy dreams, and your mind tries to clarify for reality. I cannot fathom what that will be like for them soon enough, in that moment each day when they must remember how their life has changed and the great loss they are living. I just can’t imagine.

Skyler has been extra “bipolar” lately, but despite her tantrums and whines, she’s also been extra sweet and snuggly. In the wake of Pierce’s family’s battle, I’ve been reminded again to take those extra moments to cherish Skyler. I rock her a little longer and hold her a little tighter. I’ve found more joy in just watching her be busy with her toys, even if it means she’s trashing my living room.

I know everything happens for a reason, and with all sad stories, sometimes we wonder why. Pierce’s story may be teaching me to find more joy and cherish my family, but that’s not a good enough reason why. Maybe his story has taught hundreds of those who have followed along to find more joy and cherish their loved ones. But that still doesn’t seem a good enough reason why. His parents have shown an incredible amount of faith and hope through this whole experience, but I have a hard time believing their testimony of faith is a good enough reason why. None of it seems enough, none of it worth it.

I wish I had a better way to end this post. But I don’t. I thought maybe writing it all out, I would find my way to a resolution that made sense. God didn’t reveal anything significant to me to share something profound with any readers. So I guess I’ll just keep praying and hoping that for Pierce’s mommy and daddy, God will provide them peace and answers soon enough.

Bikers for Babies KC 2009

Awe inspiring. Overwhelming. Humbling. Thrilling.

Those are just a few words to describe our first experience as part of Kansas City Bikers for Babies last Sunday. But they don’t even begin to capture the magnitude of the event for those of us that rode, and those that benefit from the cause.

I knew I was in for something big when Saturday morning, Ronnie and I hopped on our bike, joined by Mom & Dad, my brother Matt and his girlfriend, and Ronnie’s Uncle Mark, and headed to North KC’s Worth Harley Davidson for preregistration. We had registered online but needed to pick up our packets for Sunday’s event.

It was a GORGEOUS morning. But my turns on the bike have been few and far between, and I will admit, by that morning, I had yet to love this machine. There is always a mix of fear and purposelessness (is that a word?) that has made it difficult for me to enjoy riding. But I kept trying every chance I got because Ronnie loves it so much.

Something was different that Saturday morning. Maybe it was the sense of community that I felt riding with family members around us on the interstate, or the fact that we were doing this for a cause. Or maybe, I was just finally used to it. The preregistration experience itself was pretty dang cool. We rolled into the parking lot at Worth, being directed by parking attendants, to form some type of manageable parking arrangement for hundreds of bikes, all there for pregistration. 98.9 and Johnny Dare were there, chatting with riders about past Babies rides and some sharing their personal experiences with birth defects in babies they’ve known.

We got in line, and when the volunteers saw how much donations we’d raised ($1,230), they rang some bells and clapped and cheered, especially when they heard we were first-timers. We got a bunch of cool swag as freebies for the donations, walked around the store, and then headed out for some Westport Flea Market burgers (best ever!). And it was only lunchtime!

We took it easy the rest of the day since we had an early start to make the pancake breakfast before the ride on Sunday. Ronnie’s friend Jeremy & Uncle Mark met us Sunday morning to head toward Kansas Speedway (the NASCAR track) for the event where we would meet up with the rest of our crew (my parents, brother, and long-time family friend, Ken & wife Chris).

This is where I started getting choked up, and it was only 8 o’clock in the morning before we even got to the event! We’re heading toward I-70, and as we merge, a few more bikers join us. The next onramp, more bikers. The next, more. Our little crew of 3 bikes had turned into dozens as we exited toward the Speedway, where all of a sudden, there were hundreds of us riding in for Bikers for Babies. I was caught up, and the official ride of thousands of bikes hadn’t even begun!

Despite the crowd, we had no trouble finding the rest of our crew, and besides a short wait for everyone to catch up at the beginning of the ride, we set off riding west out of KC. It was a nice scenic ride, but my favorite parts were riding through the little towns, b/c it seemed that everyone came out to cheer us on. Members of every towns fire department and police force were out and about, some to help with the traffic flow, some just to clap, wave, and observe the phenomena of over 6,000 motorcycles passing through their little towns. Little kids held up handmade signs, touching my heart so deeply, saying “Thank you Bikers for helping me” and a church group’s sign said “God Loves Bikers.”

We met another biker couple along the way with custom-made shirts like we wore (for Skyler), and their daughter had lost her battle with several heart defects (one of which Skyler had) five years ago when she was two and a half. It was chilling and humbling speaking with them, and I couldn’t fathom how even five years later, how they could talk about the day their daughter woke up in the hospital unresponsive after nine days of treatment and a seemingly manageable diagnosis. I choked on thoughts of that happening when Skyler was being treated.

The highlight of the day was when Ronnie’s mom brought Skyler up to meet us after the ride was over. I saw them walking toward where we sat eating lunch, and I dropped my food and took off toward them. Skyler recognized me and smiled and came running into my arms for the biggest hug! She especially got a kick out of seeing her face on the back of our shirts.

I suppose I should wrap this extra long post up now, so I’ll end it with a few of my favorite pics of the event. There are so many more on Flickr, so if you want to see them, please click the Flickr feed on the right column of the site and check out the “Bikers for Babies” set. Thanks again to everyone who donated – that was with only three weeks of us fundraising. Next year we plan on being even more prepared to more than double what we did this year!

Skyler wearing Daddy's motorcycle boots!

Present

I feel like I have so much to write about but I haven’t taken the time to sit and do it! I meant to do it over my lunch hour today, but instead I got a yummy salad from Jason’s Deli and watched part of Planet Earth with some coworkers, just to change things up a bit!

We had an awesome weekend, for so many reasons, but I’m saving that for my next post when I feel like writing a lot! And coming up this Saturday is Girls’ Weekend, where I’m headed to Hermann to meet my girlfriends for a day of wine tasting! I’m so looking forward to it! Ronnie will be hangin’ at home with Skyler and finishing some house projects, like grouting the kitchen tile backsplash. I can’t wait to see it finished, as it already looks so much better than the plain wall that was there before! Plus, he says he’s got a surprise for me when I come back on Sunday, so that’s something to look forward to!

Today I picked Skyler up from daycare and on the way home, I saw two deer grazing in a small grassy area by an intersection, so I poked at the window and tried to get Skyler to look over there. I didn’t think she’s even notice them since she has no reason to know what a deer. But as I pointed and said “Look it’s a deer! There’s two deer over there!” She looked out the window and responded with “They’re eating grass!”

I’ve underestimated her intelligence AGAIN!