Where Did I Come From?
Anyone reading this who knows my usual posts probably think this is about one of those tricky parenting conversations. It’s actually not, at all. We’ve had those, though, and they are tricky! And funny. And Ronnie and I tend to explain very differently so Skyler is pretty thoroughly confused at this point, but nevertheless, that’s not where I’m going with this.
I have had some sort of crazy and amazing journey this last year or so, and I guess you could call it an awakening of sorts. I’ve always been an introspective, very self-aware person, who thought I knew myself pretty well. But turns out, I didn’t really know myself very well. I only knew the “safe” person I had allowed myself to be. Someone careful to never offend or get hurt. Never act or sound stupid. Only take minor risks if carefully calculated. Calm, reserved, nice, conservative.
I can’t really say those are bad things; that person was a hard worker, loved her family and friends, and wanted a life of joy which she often experienced. But there was something missing, and it wasn’t the obvious assumption of spirituality. Yes, we don’t go to church like we should, and I know I’m not spending remotely the amount of time in that part of my life as a Christian girl should, but I still talk to God every day, praying for wisdom and thanking for blessings. I have always been well aware of that spiritual presence in my life and thankful to know it. The thing missing wasn’t even really a thing, as much as it was a feeling.
But things started changing when Ronnie took the plunge and decided to open his own business. In and of itself that was a risk and an adventure that I knew would change our lives. I just didn’t realize how much and how positively it would. Watching him turn his passion into the now bursting at the seams community at Sky’s Limit CrossFit has been inspiring to me. And I didn’t just stand by and watch him, supporting from home, I dove right into his dream and immersed myself in it, and it is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
On the surface, I’m currently in the best physical shape of my life, capable of things I’ve never before known how or been able to do. And that’s freakin’ exciting for a thirty-something mom who figured her physical “peak” was her wedding day after completing P90X. But all that is just surface stuff. It goes way deeper. What I have learned about myself in this past year has been the most amazing part of this awakening.
I can change, I can learn, I can always get stronger and be better. I can take risks and survive them. And I’m learning to like taking some risks! I can do way more than I think I can when I think I’ve reached my limit. I can fail, and then I can get back up and conquer. I used to fear and dislike change, of nearly any sort, but now I see it as a new challenge and opportunity to grow. I am confident, I am strong, I am smart. Let’s get colorful – I’m kind of a BAMF, as my husband would say, in my own way. God has blessed me with some unique gifts, mentally and physically, and I’m finally learning to see myself this way and allow myself to be even more than I am today.
This awakening, while beginning in the gym, has touched every area of my life. My outlook has gone from mostly pessimistic to mostly positive. I’m more alert, more capable, and more in tune with the crazy life that surrounds me. I swear that colors are more vibrant, music is more beautiful, and love is that much sweeter. I am a better, happier, more confident person. I’m not just surviving this crazy life, I’m embracing it and making it mine.
The only two things about this new appreciation that sometimes bring me down a bit are that I wish I could have found it sooner, and I wish everyone could find this! I think the quote that sums up my journey and these last two concerns is the following, my favorite quote that makes my heart hurt in a wonderful way when I read it.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” –Marianne Williamson
This little light of mine…I’m gonna let it shine…