Love is a Battlefield

(For the record, I am not a fan of the Jordan Sparks pop song that has a similar name to the title of this post.)

It seems like our home these days is one big warzone, between Skyler and me. And by these days, I guess realistically it’s only been the last two or three days, but it FEELS like so much sufferingly longer than that in my head!

The ol’ Terrible Twos are apparently crashing down on us hard right now, and I really hope it doesn’t last as long as she is going to be “two,” because if so, I might just ship her off to her grandma’s until September 11th next year, and at that point we’ll negotiate a new contract if her attitude is not up to my standards. Grandma’s is the only place she wants to be anyways, what with the all out tearful tantrum that takes place when I pick her from there on Monday’s. And though it’s not quite as dramatic, I get a similar display of love when I go to pick her up from daycare each day after work. As soon as she sees me she runs away, whining “No! Noooo! Noooooo!” You would think we beat and tortured her at home or something.

And all the little things, like putting her shoes and coat on in the morning, listening to music in the car, or changing a diaper – she resists me with full force, thrashing and screaming in opposition to whatever it is I need her to do or not do. Even the things that she is trying to do herself, if they don’t go smoothly, or she drops something, or has trouble with any of her coordination efforts or skill, she reacts so impatiently and violently, I wonder where this is coming from?

It is an incredibly trying and irritating way to start and end my day. And to be honest, right now, my work is my haven, which is the opposite of the way things should be. But it’s a place where I’m in control, things usually go well, I’m surrounded by generally sane and capable people, and I have the support I need when conflict arises. The complete opposite of my life with a two-year-old.

I know a few people who are expecting their first little ones over the next few months, and I am so excited for them. And I’m jealous. Those seem like the good ol’ days; the surreal life with a newborn baby that isn’t trying to sabotage your every effort to keep them safe, healthy, and happy. But don’t get any ideas. Jealousy of people with newborns has nothing to do with baby fever. Because adorable little babies eventually become TWO YEAR OLD MONSTERS. And who knows what they turn into after THAT?!?!

(Skyler – if you are reading this someday, do know that I love you dearly and wouldn’t change this life for a second if it meant you weren’t in it. But do know you are severely close to ruining any chance that I’ll help sneak you out of the house when you are sixteen and want to go on that first date but your mean daddy won’t let you out of his site. Be good to your mommy, I can be a great asset to you later if you don’t burn all the bridges by the time you’re THREE.)

GUILTY.

I’m married to a personal trainer. I, myself, try to live a healthy lifestyle, at least during the week, by finding the time to exercise on my lunch hour and trying to stick to eating protein and veggies. Being health conscious is a top priority for my husband and I.

When Skyler was starting to transition from the bottle to solid foods, I attempted to make a lot of her baby food. I pureed & froze green beans, squash, and sweet potatoes mostly. I attempted chicken and ground beef, but I could never get the consistency right unless I added a jar of gravy, which to me, kind of defeated the purpose. So I bought the jarred baby food meats.

I will admit that I got very lazy at times and bought jarred veggies too – especially the blends of veggies that had DHA added – it seemed to have more calories and nutrition than what I was making at home, and back then, I was so concerned about getting her to gain weight since she had lost so much in the hospital, I actually chose some of the most calorie-dense foods for her. She was always a good eater – never too picky about any of the pureed foods she ate. It took her a bit when we started table foods as she wasn’t into things with texture. But eventually, she’d eat just about anything I gave her.

Fast forward to the last few months. It’s just her and me in the evenings at dinnertime since Ronnie doesn’t get home till late. The rides home from daycare have been generally stressful (despite us test driving the awesome Chevy Traverse). She’s tired, hot, whiny and hungry, and by the time we get home, she’s crying for dinner. Everything healthy takes a bit of preparation, and by that point in the evening, my patience is nowhere to be found. When she screams “hot doooooggg” I make a hot dog. When she screams “cheeeeeeeese” I get out cheese. When she yells “coooookie,” I give her five cookies. And most of the time, she doesn’t eat whatever she was wailing for in the first place! Sometimes, her dinnertime eating just ends up next to nothing, and I wonder how she’s even growing?

Her nutrition at home has gone straight out the window. We basically just try to survive at home. At least her daycare says she eats really well there!

All in One

Since I can barely keep up, I’m going to just throw a bunch of stuff together in this post! And while I am still working on the video from Rockfest last week, I’ve got lots of new photos to post. Here goes –

Mulberries! When we bought this house a little over 3 years ago, my mom thought we might have a mulberry tree. But we never saw any fruit, until two weeks ago! And then we noticed it everywhere, and have counted three mulberry trees. We had one when I was growing up and I used to love to go out there and eat the purple berries, but I also got in trouble for soiling many a pair of shoes running around in the mulberry-stained grass. Skyler loves the mulberries too and each evening we try to go out there and snack on a few fresh ones!

Yesterday we headed across town to Lee’s Summit and had pool time with friends and then a bbq. We had a fantastic time, even though most of the kids were worn out by the time it was over. Here are a few pics (lots more in the Flickr photostream in the right column) –

Finally, my friend Maria was brave enough to ask me to try my hand at shooting some maternity photos for her second pregnancy while she was in town yesterday. It was not only fun, but I think it was successful! Here are a few of my favorites – she posted more on her blog.

And, I’m still driving the Traverse! Early this week I should be trading in the LS for the fancy schmancy LTZ, so look for some new stuff from me over at Mommy Madness KC!

Annual Mother’s Day Picnic

Every year on Mother’s Day we head to Antioch Park for a picnic. Some years we’ve done breakfast, but most year, we grill out hamburgers & hot dogs. This year was especially fun now that Skyler could run around and play. She is obsessed with “outsee”, so the park was a total hit. We didn’t even make it to the playground – she had fun enough running around in the grass!

The weather was overcast and almost cold, but the raindrops held off for the most part. I’m so glad I brought my nice camera, because there were lots of great photo opps on this day. Here are a few of my favorites, there are more if you click on the Flickr feed on the right column.

She’s got a pit bull at home that she climbs all over, but she was afraid of my Grandma’s Shih-tzu. Imagine that!

The rare family photo

Spongebob

Skyler has been getting more interested in what’s on the TV lately. Sometimes she likes to site with me and watch for a few minutes. Though some would argue that TV is bad for children, I am actually trying to influence my daughter to find the TV interesting and get to the point of watching an entire full length animated movie at some point in the near future. Because at the stage she is in now, she is requiring my attention at every second that we are home. It has been impossible to get anything done like prepare dinner or go to the bathroom without her screaming and crying and chasing after me and clinging to my leg in horror while I’m doing something other than playing with her. These last few weeks I’ve dreaded our evenings at home, and counted the minutes till Ronnie arrived, because when he gets there, she turns into this adorable funny toddler her can run around and play happily without either of our direct attention. What gives?

So back to the TV – YES, I am trying to get my daughter to watch more of it in hopes that it can become a substitute for me. That goes against every piece of parenting advice I’ve ever seen, but this momma needs some help around the house!

We’ve been watching Animal Planet, but it can be a bit too slow and boring for a toddler’s attention. She’s excited for a minute when an animal she knows, like a bear or a dog comes on screen, but her thrill fades to boredom quickly. I’ve also been pushing Spongebob. It’s on every evening and also Saturday mornings, so if I could make her a fan of that, I’d have a consistently available and free babysitter. She’s starting to get the hang – as soon as Spongebob comes on the screen she points and yells “Bumbob! Bumbob!” So we’re making progress!

Though now I’m wondering if I should rethink my choice of programming, after seeing this:

see more Lol Celebs

Poor Me

Even after the previous post of listing all the fun things I have to look forward to in the next few months, I find myself having PMS, or Poor Me Syndrome. Sure, it probably also coincides with the original meaning of the acronym PMS, but this week I’m especially feeling sorry for myself.

It’s just the evenings. Same old, same old. Pick up Skyler, come home, prepare dinner for her, and [lately] graze on every possible unhealthy thing in the house while simultaneously NOT preparing dinner to be ready when Ronnie finally gets home. Which then becomes an ordeal via text messaging between us:

Ronnie: What’s for din?
Me: I don’t know. We don’t have anything
Translation: I didn’t thaw any meat, nor did I attempt to throw anything else together
Ronnie: Fast food?
Me: Chipotle?
Ronnie: Neh. McDonald’s?
Me: If you get McDonald’s, forget me. I’ll eat something here.
Translation: I’ll continue to graze on every possible unhealthy thing here.
Ronnie: Ok

Don’t even ask why we don’t just call each other, but that is how it works.

Then I get depressed about not being a good enough wife to prepare us a healthy dinner, on top of feeling guilty for all the mindless mouth-stuffing I did for three hours straight, and thinking of all the other healthier and more productive things I could’ve done with that time. But then since it’s just Skyler and me till 7:30 or 8:30, there really isn’t that much I can get done that isn’t directly related to her. She’s been very adamant about quality time together lately. Why just now she was clawing at the computer chair and crying to me to let her up on my lap, while I ignored her just so I could finish this post. And now her feelings are hurt, and I feel even worse than I did already. It’s just that stupid downward spiral that I really can’t win. At least not one week out of every month.

Where do I start?

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with all the possible posts I could be making! Again, this would be a fantastic time for someone to hurry up and invent the wireless-automatic-blog-publisher thingy so I could blog hands-free throughout the week, or at least get some posts drafted.

First, I haven’t officially posted an announcement for fear that things will fall through as soon as I do, but it seems I have been chosen for the KC Traverse Mom Squad. A rep from CBS Radio who is partnering with Chevy on this thing contacted me last week to get the ball rolling. She was still in the process of getting all the mommy bloggers lined up, but said they hoped to kick off the program in a couple weeks. Their website says it kicks off April 20, so I’m going with that as a start date until I hear otherwise. I’m so excited to part of this program, so I really hope it all works out!

Second – Skyler updates: she’s all over the place now, walking confidently anywhere and everywhere! She is obsessed with outside. While indoors, she points at the window or door and asks approximately every thirty minutes at least “Outsee? outsee?” And if the weather has been nice enough to play outside, she cries when we go inside. Her daycare said it’s the same story over there. Sounds like I’ll have a camping buddy in the near future!

Her vocabulary is growing as well. She knows lots of the pictures/characters in her storybooks, like Minnie Mouse and rainbows. We were coloring the other day and I drew a rainbow to see if she’d recognize it. She said “Umbow” and then immediately went to find her book about rainbows to show me. I could almost see the lightbulb lighting up above her little head. On a less intellectual note, one of her grandmothers has recently taught her the pronunciation as well as anatomical location of “titties.” No, no typo there. Skyler can say it and point to it, clear as day. I must be completely honest and admit that it is hysterical when she says it and points to it at home, but I dread the day we are in public and it’s hardly appropriate when she points at a stranger’s chest at the grocery story and tells everyone what she sees. I can only pray for God’s protection in this matter!

Finally, my girl has developed some phobias. It’s mostly related to loud/unknown noises. If something startles her these days, she runs to me and digs her fingernails into whatever part of me she can grab and tries to climb into my arms to “escape” whatever it may be. She buries her face and will even cover her eyes, and even after the noise is long over, I have to pry myself loose from her death grip on my neck/arm/sleeve/hair. And she does not take this removal lightly! So I’m not sure what’s going on here – don’t get me wrong I love the snuggles once she’s in my arms, but I hate to see Skyler fearful and scared of every little thing, and it really puts a damper on my productivity when I’ve got a toddler clinging to me at unpredictable moments!

Any other mommies out there have children that went through a fearful stage like this?

Walker Texas Ranger

That’s what we call Skyler now! Here I caught her walking around the living room. She ran right into me, and then discovered the camera was running. I love the look she gives the camera at the end!

Self Pity (sorry this is a long one)

Why is it that even when things are going so well, I still can’t help but get stuck in a rut about stuff?

Both Ronnie’s and my jobs are going well and appear fairly secure, which is so much to be thankful for as the rest of the economy falls apart. We own a home that is still worth more than what we bought it for, and Skyler is happy and healthy. So what gives?

Try this perspective Monday through Thursday:

6:00 am: Alarm clock goes off. Hit snooze angrily.

6:18 am: After three snoozes, get up, let the dog out, and angrily get ready for work.

6:30 am: Kiss Ronnie bye as he heads to work.

7:00 am: Get Skyler up and feed her breakfast, change her diaper, get her dressed. No anger here, despite the rush, the part with Skyler is typically fun and I savor these minutes before she goes to daycare and I go to work.

7:30 am: Go out to warm up car, come back to make protein shake, grab purse and any other necessities for the day, take these items back out to car so I can come back in and get Skyler.

7:45 am: Carry Skyler to car, buckle her in, and head to work.

8:10 am: Arrive at daycare. Put Skyler’s socks and shoes back on since she’s removed them during the car ride over. Hug and kiss her and hand her off to Darlene.

8:30 am: Arrive at work.

12:30 pm: Eat lunch. Maybe at desk to keep working, or might run an errand since it’s the only “free time” I’ve got in a day.

5:20 pm: Pick Skyler up at daycare, buckle her back in the car and head home.

6:00 pm: Arrive at home. Put Skyler’s socks and shoes back on since she’s removed them during the car ride home. Fumble with keys at door, greet/kick Bruno out of the way, place Skyler in highchair, set purse/jacket down in a place that Skyler can’t reach, give her cereal and milk to keep her busy while I run to the bathroom. Get her dinner ready. If it’s something she can feed herself, put the dog outside so she doesn’t try to share. While she eats, I either find a snack for myself/clean the kitchen/rotate some laundry/all of the above, or just sit and watch her eat because she’s so darn cute. If it’s something she can’t feed herself, then obviously, I’m sitting there feeding her and getting nothing else done.

6:30 pm: We may do any of the following: play with toys, take baths, dance to hip hop music, take a “nap” which involves me getting comfy in bed with Skyler, who proceeds to roll around, climb all over me, lunge for the edge of the bed in attempts to dive to her own spinal paralysis, sit on me and “bounce”, and various other non-sleep activities, which usually end in her whining and getting fussy because “naptime” has gotten boring. I may also attempt productivity like cleaning or laundry if she’s independently entertaining herself. These times I usually lose track of her and go room to room in search, and find her emptying a laundry basket, cabinet, or drawer of all its content. In which case I’m following her around cleaning up those messes, sometimes several times in one evening.

7:30 pm: I might start getting dinner ready. It’s wholly dependent on how the night with Skyler has been and if anyone has been to the grocery store recently.

8:30 pm: Ronnie gets home, greets Skyler, and we either eat or he prepares (or sometimes unwraps) dinner. Meanwhile Skyler whines and points to our food, so we get her a late snack and her milk.

9:00 pm: The first three nights of the week one of Ronnie or I has a TV show on at this time (Monday is mine, Tuesday & Wednesday are Ronnie’s), so whoever’s show night it isn’t, keeps up with Skyler or puts her to bed (we have yet to establish a strict bedtime because I just want her to be up long enough to get some quality time with her dad). I do not like Tuesdays and Wednesdays, b/c not only does my life revolve around Skyler from her waking till her going to bed, but I also can’t stand the shows that Ronnie watches, so it’s not even time that he and I can spend together watching TV. So I’ve turned those nights into “catch up on the blog” nights. Thursdays Skyler goes to my parent’s for the day, so instead of picking her up, I just go there and we hang out for dinner and we head home around the time that Ronnie gets home. Thursdays are so much better than Monday through Wednesday because I have company with my parents, and I actually get to eat dinner at a decent hour.

10:00 pm: Go to bed. Can’t wait to do it all again the next day.

So nothing about these days is inherently bad, but most of the time I just feel so alone. I know my husband is hard at work, but I still feel like at home, I do it all. My waking hours are spent taking care of our daughter through the entire cycle of our waking hours together. Even for the brief period at night when the whole family is together, it’s predominantly me that makes sure she is fed, bathed, changed, and put to bed, unless I ask Ronnie to do any of those things. I don’t loathe these things and most of the time spent with her is truly enjoyable. But did anyone see any time in there to workout? To paint my toe nails? To go shopping? To call a friend and catch up? On top of it Ronnie comes home nearly every day and complains how sore he is from an awesome workout the prior day and I can only imagine what that would be like and I get bitter. And I feel guilty for not having found time in my day to workout. If there is one thing I wish I could do for myself at least every other day, it would be to workout. I’ve tried so many ways to fit it in, but when I’m responsible for Skyler for her entire waking hours that she’s not in daycare, I just can’t do it! I could work out to a video at home while she’s playing, but I wouldn’t be able to get into it b/c I’d have to keep stopping to check on her/rescue her/go find her etc. On top of it, since she’s at daycare all day and her other parent isn’t home in the evenings, I feel especially obligated to spend quality time with her so she remembers who her loving parents are. Before I had tried putting her to bed at 8 and getting a workout in before Ronnie even got home, but then that meant Ronnie wouldn’t get to see her at all that day, and I just can’t do that to either of them.

Ugh. Sometimes I feel like there is no win-win situation. And sometimes I just get so dang sick of being so responsible for other people. Even though she is the most adorable and wonderful other people. I guess I just wish someone would be responsible for me. Me me me. And now I feel selfish and like an ungrateful wife and mother. I’ll stop now. I’m sure tomorrow will be a better day.

Motherhood, thus far

It occurs to me daily, how lucky I am. I was given a gift I never asked for, and yet it was the best gift I ever received. My life has been forever changed, and although the depth of joy is astounding, there is a sharp pain that accompanies it. Skyler’s smiles and laughs bring about the most delightful, most fulfilling sensation to me, and yet those same smiles and laughs remind me how much I stand to lose. I have felt this since the day she was born, and then one hundred times more intensely since she got sick. But no matter what our future holds with Skyler, every single moment of it is all I could ask for, and so much for which to be thankful.

One of my favorite bloggers described the sensation of motherhood so accurately and creatively in her recent post. Speaking of children, she says “We hold them high and march through the days, bearing that which we love beyond all measure. My arms tremble…I am so much more capable than I have ever been. I am weak and filled with shortcomings. I am a flexing muscle, aching under an indescribable, joyous weight.“

Well said!